Can we talk about how hard it is to get feedback?

Let’s talk about getting hard feedback.

As business owners, we don’t talk about this enough, and so then when it happens it can literally send your day into a tailspin and make you go down the rabbit hole of self-doubt.

So let’s talk about it.

I’ll start.

Last week I released a new product into the world called Communicate Like a PRO. It was an idea that had been on my ‘someday’ pile for over a year, and I finally said, “Ok, enough. Create the damn thing already.”

And so I did.

My intention for creating it was clear. I wanted to give you an easy-to-use, reference tool when dealing with tricky conversations in your business.

I have yet to have a client over my nine years of coaching where I haven’t helped script some sort of conversation or response, whether it be delivered in person or by email.

Sometimes people ask for my help because they really don’t know how to approach the conversation and need a starting place. Others ask because it’s just not their forté and they know that if left to their own devices they may create a miscommunication instead. And still others get my help because they just need some validation that what they want to say is ‘ok’ and appropriate.

I put together over 50 scripts for you in an easy-to-use format so that you could have them as a reference tool whenever you found yourself at one of those three points.

Back to the feedback.

After I emailed you about it last week and after a number of product sales had already come through, I got a lengthy email from a woman I’d spoken with once. She was offering feedback on what she thought about my product (which she had not purchased).

Her tone was absolutely respectful and I know that there wasn’t a hint of maliciousness involved, she simply saw my offer differently than I did and wanted to share her take.

And yet, ugh — I was not exactly thrilled to get the email. It was 10pm and my hubby and I were catching up on the previous night’s episode of Stephen Colbert. I was ready to laugh and unwind before heading to bed.

I felt it first in my gut. It was the same feeling as when you hit the big dip on a rollercoaster.

My next feeling was anger/annoyance. Because she had kept the email respectful, I didn’t have a lot of this, but it was still there.

Then I started to go into self-doubt about my program. “Was this a bad idea?” “Am I taking away your agency and opportunity to learn because I’ve created a done-for-you product?”

That sat there for a while.

Luckily, I turned to my husband to get his take. I have the advantage of having a husband who has the same background as me (we met and worked in a public affairs department), so I knew he’d get the context.

His response quickly put me at ease (well, mostly). He said she made fair points, but reminded me of all the hundreds of messages we’d both crafted over the years for CEOs and VPs who had better things to do than stare at a computer screen trying to come up with the right response to any number of requests they were constantly bombarded with.

“Yes, yes!” I said. “That’s my goal here. Of course they need to develop their capacity in communicating, but when it comes to dealing with the “Can I pick your brain?” type of requests, sometimes they just need a quick answer (or an idea to customize) that they can use and then get on with their most important work.”

And so I responded back. I acknowledged her points, and said I agreed with some of them. I offered up my perspective and clarified my intention for the product, and why I felt it was still very useful and relevant to my audience of business owners looking to do big work in the world. I thanked her for her feedback, and kept my tone as respectful and calm as I could (and re-reading, I know I did).

And that’s where I left things. The product continues to sell, and I will keep sharing it with you because I know it’s helpful and to hide it away because of one piece of feedback would be a disservice to those of you who would benefit from this.

What I learned about feedback

Here’s what I was reminded of when it comes to getting and responding to feedback, and how this might be of use to you.

1. When you put your ideas out into the world, you will get feedback. That is the ‘price’ of being in the arena as Brené Brown would say.
2. When you get feedback that’s less than glowing, you’re going to feel it in your body first. You will have a physical reaction, and it will pass.
3. And then you’ll probably move into some kind of defensive-state, either trying to overly justify your position or feeling like the victim or getting really pissed off. Don’t respond now — instead, sit with those feelings for a bit.
4. Ask yourself “What of this is true?” and be honest about the answer. It may be that the person offering feedback has some valid points (despite how they were delivered), or it might be that they are coming at you with little information or context to offer that feedback. Dig deep to see if there’s any truth you can use, and then use it — and disregard the rest (you don’t have to own it all!). In my case, I used her feedback to make a very slight adjustment to my sales page and messaging because there was truth in there for me to use.
5. You might want to run and hide or tear it all down for fear of more, similar feedback. That’s normal and it’s just your gremlins wanting to keep you safe.
6. Remind yourself why you created/said/wrote what you did. Get back to YOUR intention and motivation, and use it to ground you in the truth.
7. Ask someone you trust for their objective opinion. Only ask someone who is willing to give you the exact same feedback if it’s the truth and you need to hear it (not just someone who will say, “Ya, that’s terrible — what does he know?”)
8. If you can’t respond clearly and calmly, then don’t respond at all. Sleep on it first. Go for a run. Get out in nature. Meditate. Do whatever you can to clear your head and move through the negative feelings.
9. Remember that the person giving you the feedback is doing so with their own frame of reference and lens that is different from yours. Doesn’t make either of you right or wrong, just different. And your response doesn’t need to prove your case. No pissing match required. It takes up too much energy and you won’t get the outcome you want from it.
10. And finally, don’t aggrandize the situation. Deal with what’s here, without making it mean more than it does.

Being vulnerable enough to share your work with the world takes courage and grit. It means you have to put something out there for other people to judge and critique.

It leaves you open and exposed, and that can feel terrifying (which is why so many hold back from sharing what’s in their heart and mind).

Here’s what I want you to know beyond the ten steps I listed above:

You will survive.

You will be ok.

(not trying to be melodramatic here, but I know it can feel so awful in the moment)

The feedback will sting and shake you temporarily, but you will bounce back and get your footing once again.

And it gets easier the more it happens. I’m not saying you’ll like it each time it happens, but dealing with it will get easier and easier over time.

I promise.

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